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Saturday, August 7, 2010

Twihard Virus Uncontainable, says Health Officials

The outbreak of 2008's Twihard virus has spiraled out of control, says health officials around the globe. They are now claiming a global epidemic, and countries around the world have gone into a state of emergency. The virus, believed to have started at the premiere of Twilight, has spread to all continents around the globe, causing symptoms such as insanity, over obsessiveness, and gaining unrealistic expectations of male romantic behavior. It currently has no known cure. Infected are often seen running around, screaming things like "TEAM EDWARD" or "TEAM JAKOB," and crying whenever they see Edward kiss Bella during the movie. There are however, people who are naturally immune to this virus, but immunity does not appear to be related to genetics, age, or even gender. It is not known how this virus is spread. This outbreak has forced people who are immune to retreat to anti-Twihard bunkers, which have been built all over the world. One such immune had this to say.
"Seriously, the premiere to Eclipse was almost like playing Left 4 Dead. They were just running around mindlessly, screaming! I had actually thought the zombie apocalypse had begun, and I was ready to start shooting infected."
The World Health Organisation (WHO) are currently pushing pharmaceutical companies to collaborate in an effort to develop a cure, and a vaccine for this plague. None of the pharmaceutical companies were available to comment at this time.

15 comments:

  1. A cure HAS been found!

    Administer a cyanide pill to the infected individual. Repeat if necessary.

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  2. It's not necessarily a cure, but "Vampires Suck" is out. It should provide enough of a moral boost to the immune so that they can continue to resist the infected. If that doesn't work, screw the cyanide pill, I'm rigging a flamethrower.

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  3. Remember to not put swearing on next episode, kay?

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  4. Look, if you're that bothered by it, don't watch it! I'm not going to filter my words because one person can't take it.

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  5. I've heard that Twilight is available in Madagascar.

    We're done for.

    Done for...

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  6. We cannot give up! Are we gonna let this thing win?! It looks bad, but there is always hope.

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  7. and in the year 2012, a secret army of Harry Potter and Percy Jackson fans will rise against the infected Tweens and lay waste to the world in the largest battle of fantasy book fans ever

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  8. Let me guess: after the fantasy book fans kill each other off, the sci-fi freaks of Star Wars and Star Trek will rise from the ashes and start another war with each other. Why can't we just nuke 'em all and be done with it?

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  9. Yes! I'm not the only one who thinks that Twilight SUCKS! Btw I could picture you taking a shotgun to the Twilight fans! lol!

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  10. @spartan429

    Cause of the damn laws of war, which is alsp backed by the U.N., so if we nuked em all, the shit would really hit the fan, just wait, they'll destroy themselves

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  11. LOLOLOLOL do no tinclude fidh

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  12. You see. You're destroying yourself by swearing so much. Stop it. It makes you not a normal person. I'm doing this for your own good.

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  13. No, you're actually just pissing me off. How am I destroying myself? What, is the lord going to smite me with his iron might? Seriously, have you nothing better to do? I don't NEED people doing things for my own good, I can take care of myself thankyou.

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  14. Good thing I'm not a Twilight fan. Or else, I would have been infected by the Twihard virus right now.

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